Blended Families: What a Simple Estate Plan Leaves Unanswered
I asked a couple one simple question about their estate plan, and the room went quiet.
They were in their late 70s and had been married for 30 years. Each had adult children from a previous marriage, and they lived in the house the wife owned before the wedding. Their estate attorney had drawn up a plan that sounded simple enough. If she dies, he gets everything. If he dies, she gets everything.
So I asked whether they’d discussed it with their adult children.
They looked at each other. Neither had.
The problem wasn’t that they didn’t love their children or that anyone was trying to be unfair. It was that the plan made sense to the two of them while leaving some very important questions unanswered:
- What happens when the second spouse dies?
- What if the surviving spouse changes the will?
- And what happens to the children who were supposed to inherit something from their own parent?
Dan McKenzie has seen where questions like these lead. He spent 10 years litigating disputes before becoming an estate planning attorney in Colorado at The McKenzie Law Firm, so he knows what happens when families discover these problems after someone dies. Much of his work today is about keeping them from reaching that point.
He joined me on my podcast, Death and Dying in the Digital Age, and what he shared applies to far more families than the one I just described.
Leaving everything to your spouse can disinherit your kids
Dan recognized the situation immediately. In blended families, leaving everything to a surviving spouse can unintentionally disinherit the children of the first spouse to die.
The surviving spouse may fully intend to provide for everyone. But an informal promise isn’t necessarily a binding legal agreement, and the children may have no protection if circumstances change.
This is one of the reasons Dan challenges people when they describe their estates as “simple.” A house, a retirement account, a couple of cars, and adult children are perfectly ordinary things to have. But ordinary doesn’t mean uncomplicated, especially when the people involved don’t fit neatly into the family relationships that default inheritance laws assume.
He gave another example that stayed with me. Someone might have an adult child they haven’t spoken to in decades and a stepchild they’ve raised since infancy. Without the right planning, the law may favor the estranged biological child while leaving the stepchild with nothing.
Then there’s the personal property. Family photographs, furniture, jewelry, and the little things that carry a lifetime of memories can be harder to divide than money in a bank account. When a parent dies and everything passes to a stepparent, the children may suddenly discover that belongings they’ve always considered part of their family are no longer theirs to claim.
That’s why I asked the couple whether they’d spoken with their children. I wasn’t suggesting their children should make the decisions. I wanted them to understand that the decisions they were making today could leave their families dealing with consequences neither spouse intended.
You don’t have to die to create a legal crisis
Most people associate estate planning with wills, trusts, and what happens after death. Dan approaches the conversation differently, particularly when someone is reluctant to think about dying. He asks what would happen if they were still alive but couldn’t manage their own affairs.
Imagine being hospitalized unexpectedly and unable to communicate. Your mortgage is due. The insurance company needs information. Someone has to handle the household expenses.
Your spouse or adult child may be willing to help, but that doesn’t mean the bank will give them access to an account held only in your name.
Dan explained that financial institutions have strong reasons to be cautious about releasing money or information to someone who hasn’t been legally authorized to receive it. Without the necessary documents, families may have to pursue a guardianship or conservatorship through the courts, a process sometimes referred to as “living probate.”
And unlike administering an estate after death, these situations may involve decisions that cannot wait for weeks while the family works through the legal system.
This is the part of legacy readiness I wish more people understood. We spend so much time thinking about what happens when we’re gone that we overlook what our loved ones might need to manage while we’re still here.
A financial power of attorney, healthcare directives, and clear instructions about household responsibilities aren’t just documents for older people. They’re protections for anyone who might unexpectedly need another person to step in.
Related: In a Coma With No Will and No Power of Attorney
Your family can’t manage accounts it doesn’t know exist
Dan raised another complication that didn’t exist in quite the same way a generation ago. When someone died, family members could often learn about their financial obligations by collecting the mail. Bank statements, insurance notices, and bills arrived at the house, each one a clue about what needed attention.
Now much of that information lives online, and gaining lawful access to someone’s email or financial accounts can be far more complicated than collecting their letters.
Think about how much of your own life exists behind a login: banking, retirement accounts, insurance policies, subscriptions, digital photographs, and perhaps cryptocurrency. Even when someone has the legal authority to administer your estate, they may not know these accounts exist or where to begin looking.
With cryptocurrency, the problem can be even more serious, because there may be no financial institution able to help recover access if the private keys are lost.
This is where digital legacy readiness becomes essential. Having a will or trust doesn’t automatically give your executor an inventory of your digital life, and leaving someone a list of passwords isn’t a complete solution either. People need a secure way to document what exists, where important information can be found, and who should be authorized to handle it.
Related: Your Estate Plan Can Be Perfect and Still Fail.
An AI-generated will can look right and still miss the problem
Dan and I also talked about DIY estate planning and the growing use of artificial intelligence to create legal documents. He has experimented with AI himself and recognizes that it can produce impressive results. His concern is what happens when someone without legal experience assumes that a polished document must also be a complete one.
He described how law school teaches students to identify problems that may not be obvious at first. If you don’t know what to look for, it’s easy to believe a situation is straightforward simply because you haven’t recognized the complications.
Consider a parent whose adult child still lives at home. A generic will might explain who inherits the house. It may not address how long that child can remain there, who pays the expenses, or what happens when the other beneficiaries want to sell.
Those are the questions that can turn an otherwise peaceful family into one facing a difficult legal dispute.
I believe AI has an important role in helping people understand their options, organize information, and prepare for conversations with qualified professionals. But there’s a difference between helping someone prepare for a legal decision and assuming technology has made that decision correctly.
A document that looks complete isn’t necessarily a plan that works.
Being an executor isn’t an honorary title
Toward the end of our conversation, I asked Dan how much time someone should expect to spend administering an estate. For a relatively uncomplicated one, with a house, a vehicle, and a retirement account, he estimated:
around 60 hours, give or take 20.
That’s before property sales, creditors, taxes, or family disagreements enter the picture.
He also reminded me that the executor is a fiduciary, a role carrying significant legal responsibility. The person you’ve chosen may be trying to manage your estate while working full-time, raising children, and dealing with their own grief.
Yet families often select an executor simply because that person is the oldest child or the one they trust most.
Sometimes the best person to love and support the family isn’t the best person to administer its financial and legal affairs.
Before assigning that responsibility, ask whether the person actually wants it and understands what’s involved.
Related: Why Choosing the Right Executor Could Save Your Family Years of Stress
3 things to do now
- Look at the decisions you’ve already made. Check how your property is titled, who you’ve named as beneficiaries, and whether your documents still reflect your family circumstances. If you’re part of a blended family, pay particular attention to what happens after the surviving spouse dies.
- Prepare for incapacity, not just death. Find out who could legally manage your finances, communicate with healthcare providers, and handle essential responsibilities if you were unable to do so yourself. Don’t assume marriage or family relationships automatically provide that authority.
- Talk to the people who will carry out your wishes. Ask whether your executor or other designated decision-makers are willing to take on those responsibilities. Make sure they know where important information is kept, and encourage them to ask questions while you’re available to answer.
Then look at what you’ve documented and ask yourself whether someone unfamiliar with your day-to-day life could understand what needs to happen.
Dan’s experience as a litigator shaped the way he practices law today. Rather than helping families fight through problems after they occur, he wants people to recognize those risks early enough to make different decisions.
That’s also how I think about legacy readiness. We’re not trying to control every outcome or eliminate every difficult moment. We’re trying to make sure the people we love aren’t forced to solve problems we had the opportunity to address ourselves.
So here is the question I asked that couple, in a slightly bigger form:
If something happened to you tomorrow, would your family know what to do, and would they have the legal authority and information to actually do it?
If that question gave you pause, I would like to hear what has made this conversation hard in your family.
Live fully ~ Die ready.
Listen to my full conversation with Dan McKenzie on Death and Dying in the Digital Age. To find the gaps in your own readiness plan, take ENDevo’s Peace of Mind Assessment.
Frequently asked questions
Can leaving everything to your spouse disinherit your children?
In a blended family, it can. Dan McKenzie explains that leaving everything to a surviving spouse can unintentionally disinherit the children of the first spouse to die. An informal promise isn’t necessarily a binding legal agreement, so those children may have no protection if circumstances change.
What happens if you’re incapacitated without a power of attorney?
Your spouse or adult child may not be able to get into an account held only in your name, even when the mortgage is due. They may need a court guardianship or conservatorship, sometimes called “living probate.”
How much time does being an executor take?
For a relatively uncomplicated estate, Dan estimated around 60 hours, give or take 20, before property sales, creditors, taxes or family disagreements.
Niki Weiss is a digital thanatologist and the founder of ENDevo.
This article is educational and does not provide legal, financial, or tax advice. Estate planning and incapacity laws vary by state. Consult qualified professionals about your situation.